What the heck? Who the heck are you?


154895_10151945062942831_1016729734_nOk, so I been trying to do this blogging thing. Not much of a writer in the first place, but I am trying. I figure there is not much left to talk about in the world except the things that people refuse to talk about. People always trying to be polite and politically correct.. and “oh, once it’s on the internet, it’s on there for good”… Well that works out just fine by me cause I’m not trying to run for Mayor (Apparently I have to be one up on crackhead for that job anyway). The days of being just right for everyone seems to be over.

I think I mentioned before that I grew up in a city where everyone knew me and I acted like a rude little rich girl because I thought I was, more or less. Not financially, no no, of course not. I only got some second hand barbie dolls when I was about 14. Never had anything brand name and for that I am grateful.. cause I still don’t fill the pockets of the corporate giants.  What I mean is, I had to hold my head up and talk to people with perfect grammar, not wear my skirt above my knees and couldn’t go camping with the church youth group cause, (I still don’t know the reasoning yet) *shrugs shoulders*. I wasn’t even allowed to go to the cinema because that’s where girls got pregnant. Or the beach for that matter cause the same thing happened there. And if you think I was given a proper introduction to my period (shhh, I said the P-word)… Nope.. I was scared shitless to tell my mom. The words couldn’t come out. I just took her by the hand and showed her the stain on my sheet. The words couldn’t come out because I was pretty much always silenced. Do you think I would even dare tell anyone when or how I lost my virginity??

I was told I was lucky. Lucky to have an education, lucky this, lucky that, lucky, … but it cheapens the work that I put into it. It wasn’t luck that made my parents spend their savings to put us kids through school. Nor am I lucky now. I still have to work to get what I want. If someone accidentally dropped a winning lotto ticket in front of me and I never had to work another day in my life that would be luck. I’m beginning to think luck doesn’t exist. I’m not one of the lucky ones. I’m grateful things work out sometimes the way I push for it to. Sometimes it doesn’t… if it did I would be a millionaire by now.

And BTW, you know what “I don’t fit in that box.” The box you want to put me in. I don’t really fit in any box though.

That’s just the way the world is, we can’t hope for an orange to be an apple… yes people love labels so that their mind can put things comfortably into little boxes… we love definitions in order to explain things and figure out what we dealing with. The problem lies when we have two very different things like an orange and an apple and group them together as fruits. Everything and everyone in the world is different and fits into different categories.Because what when girl A dates boys, is a feminist, is black; girl B dates girls, doesn’t care about feminism, is white; Boy A dates girls, is a feminist, is white…. Boy A and Girl B fit in gender preference box and race box, but he is also in another Box with girl A for feminism…. Doesn’t he feel like he doesn’t really belong anywhere?.. and this is usually the case with most of us… because of boxes and our uniqueness we often feel like we don’t fit anywhere. But I try to see the world differently.. I think of myself as an Everywhereian and a Nowhereian… a little bit of everything.. and comfortable and happy to adapt!

I have always wanted to say the things I couldn’t or nobody would. So that’s what I’m doing here. I hate when my friends who sit with their phone glued to their face take 3 days before answering my text… thanks, you all showed me I’m just not that important to you and don’t deserve such respect. To my ‘friend’ who takes offence to everything I say, well you can be sure I don’t need the stress of worrying if you are offended. I am who I am, and not changing for nobody!.. And yes that was a double negative, but I don’t care! To the ‘friend’ who talks about me behind my back, one day you will notice your small existence doesn’t revolve around me. To the one who always tries to contradict everything I say, Shut up and just listen for once. Sometimes a person just needs someone to listen… not to find fault in everything they do or say… just be a friend! To the friend who hurt me by stealing from me, I care about you so much cause we have been friends for so long and want to forgive you, but I can never truly trust you again, so I don’t think the friendship would work. And as much as it can be a distant friendship, everything in my gut is telling me you will do it to me again, and it will be my fault.

I don’t wanna be rich, I don’t wanna be a prude, I don’t care to be perfect. I wanna be a free spirit. I wanna give love and hope and allow people to be frustrated and be able to help them. I wanna be humble…and a person who just takes care of the world. Oh to hear people say, you can’t change the world, uuughh! you can! I have so many solutions for the worlds problems in my head that sometimes it’s easier to just minimize my mind to just my first world problems. My dad once said you can’t save who doesn’t want to be saved.. but sooo many people do!!! I also do think though that I can’t help others if I can’t even help myself. But you know what, I have said many times, if you aren’t going to do anything about it, just shut up about it.images1186_86687

I want to say that some things are really stupid and some things are awesome. Some people always giving others flack for speaking their mind. This is why I do it here. It’s my own blog. I want others to hear… thats why it’s a blog. But if you don’t like what I have to say… say it on your own blog… now I’m wondering if I should even post this. Eeep! But I’m probably not done saying all I have to say anyway! Sometimes you need to let things out to get rid of the headache.


About Fiona Apple

I'm a nomad, a traveller.. a tumbleweed. I want to take you on some of my adventures. Life is never boring when the journey is in progress. Gradually I'll add more... I'm getting the hang of this. I'm not a writer, but I am an artist. I have a few philosophies in life... but they are basically common sense I have learnt along the way. Some may seem mean and heartless but it's all in good faith. I have been told I am funny and sarcastic and cynical at times... other times when I try to be serious and mean,... I still end up being funny. I spend my days watering my mini balcony garden, painting and doing the daily grind we call work. I also obsess over my one manic trait to move from place to place.

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